Home for the Holidays
Like many of us in this country, I have relatives who voted differently than I did. In my case, many of them… and so lately, I’ve been wondering a lot about why it feels so much harder for me, to be open-hearted, curious and interested in this context, than in a more professional one… especially given that the work I do is part of the larger field of “bridge-building”.
At the same time, I don’t think I’m the only one facing this challenge… even those of us whose work involves helping people listen deeply to one another, can find it hard to do this with our own families. And so I wanted to share a bit of my process here, in case it’s helpful for others…
To begin with, as a professional human being, I am both “a professional” AND also, a human being. That’s why I feel so drawn to the term “transpartisan”. To me, this means that I have my own political convictions as a citizen and community member — that’s the “partisan” part. At the same time, my professional work is deeply informed by my commitment, both personally and professionally, to “taking ALL sides” — that is, to fostering meaningful dialogue and respectful collaboration between people with different perspectives.
Some people call this professional stance, being “multi-partial”. I see that as the “trans” part of being “transpartisan”. Yes, of course I am also “partisan” — I have a certain set of life experiences, beliefs, and understandings that shape how I see the world. We all do... AND, at the same time, I am committed to both engaging in and supporting, productive conversations among people who hold different beliefs and persuasions.
As I write this, I am realizing at a deeper level, how the term “trans” has been weaponized. Transgendered people are seen by many as “the enemy” to be feared and excluded. Clearly, this essay is NOT primarily about gender — though in case you are wondering, I am a “cis” female, meaning that I identify with the biological gender into which I was born. Yet even though I am not transgender person, the fact that “trans” has been made into a dangerous word by association, has only deepened my commitment to identifying politically as a “transpartisan” person. This is a term I have been drawn to ever since I first encountered it, some time ago…
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So… all that being said… back to the question of, why do I find it so much harder to engage in productive transpartisan dialogue within my own family? And what can I do about that?
The first step for me this year was figuring out what I might say, if some of my family members bring up in casual conversation, the name of the person for whom they voted. After some thought, here’s what I came to…
“Congratulations that your candidate won the election. I sincerely hope that I am wrong, about how much harm that might create for many people in this country.”
It felt like a helpful first step; I wanted to have another option beyond the default of “not saying anything”. On the one hand, I don’t want to make myself invisible; on the other, I don’t want to get into an argumentative mode, or even worse, say something mean and snarky. I know those approaches only harden battle lines, rather than leading to greater understanding. And so this was the first step I landed on…
Yet while this first step felt sound, it also didn’t feel like enough. And so I kept turning things over, in my mind and heart… sensing into the specific situation of my large extended family… as I continued to wonder about why it felt so much harder to feel open-hearted and curious toward them, than toward others who might have similar political perspectives.
And then, something opened up. I realized that part of what has felt so difficult, is that our family has a strong narrative about being a loving family full of bright and caring people. At the same time, we have a fairly diverse family, which includes both some gay people as well as some transgender young people. And while everyone is “included”, SO much is not talked about; it’s a kind of “don’t ask, don’t tell” ethos.
Suddenly it felt obvious that THIS was at the root of why my heart has been feeling so closed… I’ve been burying the pain, to move ahead with my own life. Yet underneath the numbness, of course there were lots of feelings… “If you are all so bright,” I wanted to say, “If you are all so talented and family-oriented and loving and caring, why can’t you see that the policies that you have voted for, are placing some of your own family members in harm’s way?? How can you say you really care about “Great-Aunt Sue” and her partner “Billie Jean”, and yet vote the way you just did? And what about “Rebecca”, who used to be “Rick”? Don’t you see how this might hurt them??”
When I connected with some of the raw pain that was present underneath the frozen places, when I allowed myself to really feel my own hurt, fear and confusion, something softened inside… of course it’s harder to find compassion for some of the members of my own family! And it makes more sense to me now, why it would be so…
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Of course I won’t be asking these questions this holiday, at least not in this raw form. However, I do feel more open inside, open and curious as to what I might be able to learn…
At the same time, once I allowed myself to feel the emotional impact, the paradox itself began to look a bit more familiar. After all, several of my aunts and uncles and cousins believe in a punitive Deity, one who will be condemning some of their family members to eternal flames — those same family members whom these aunts and uncles and cousins sincerely care for and love. I’ve written about my grappling with their belief systems, and the political implications thereof, here on Medium… here and here and here. So in a way, their political choices are not any more contradictory, than their religious ones…
My evangelical family members have an understanding of God, which guides them to be loving even toward those of us whom they believe to be damned to hell — maybe, at least in part, in the hope that they might somehow inspire us “unsaved” ones to “choose salvation”.
As for me, my understanding of the value of transpartisanship guides me to hold space for caring connection, even toward those who are making choices that I feel are hurtful to some of us — maybe, at least in part, in the hope that some mutual growth can come from this process.
So there may be some ways in which we are not so different, after all…
At the same time, this does not mean that the two positions are “the same.” This is where the value of “partisanship” comes back in… my inspiration here is a long tradition of nonviolent activists who have chosen to take an active stand for their principles, while fully respecting the humanity of the people on the “other side”.
How might we ourselves follow this inspiration, when the opportunity and need arises, in our own conversations with our own family members? How might we find ways to speak up for ourselves, and for what we believe in, while at the same time, valuing our relationship and our connection, and being willing to listen? So much I don’t yet know, but I will keep you posted, as the journey continues…
